It must be 5 am....
Anyone who has dogs knows this. They can be awake and moving in an instant…..at any time. Mine are “morning people”……anywhere between 4:30 and 5:30 am they decide it’s time to get up. Me, not so much. Saffron is a little more forgiving than Basil. She’ll hop off the bed, wander around and realize that I’m not getting up, so gets back into bed. When she’s REALLY ready to be up and moving she actually gives me kisses. She quickly bumps her little mouth on my lips two or three times. SO CUTE. I think she learned the kissing thing from me as I am constantly smothering them with ‘em! Basil, bless his heart, is way more annoying. He jumps off the bed, paces around, his nails click, click, clicking on the floor, then elects to sit at the side of the bed giving me the death stare. ALRIGHT ALREADY. UGH.
Because I live in the woods (as do lions and tigers and bears, oh my) and I don’t have a fenced yard, I can’t just open the door, let them out and yell ‘good luck!!’ (see lions and tigers and bears). Plus I have terriers (relatively untrained terriers at that) so they don’t exactly……listen….. I used to delude myself into thinking that maybe Basil’s problem is he’s starting to get hard of hearing and is not just an asshole. It dawned on me recently that it’s probably the former and not the latter, since he can hear a candy wrapper from 10 miles away, but can’t hear me hollering at him to get back to the house…..ANYWAYS…
So, here we go. Into the utility room to get harnesses and leashes on. Then rubber boots and a weather dependent coat. Oh, don’t forget the flashlight!
I have a main trail that serves as our walking path. You head down from the house and it goes along nicely for a bit, then, you get to a hill. A STEEP hill.
A challenge on a good day, it’s made 100 times worse at 5 am in the dark. Especially if there is rain or snow. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve slid down it, or landed flat on my back. It also doesn’t help when your dogs like to each go either in the opposite direction of each other, circle behind you or through your legs or generally veer in whatever direction. My mom found a comic strip (she likes to cut cute ones out and send them to me) that pretty well sums it up:
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The other morning I got drug off the path into the trees. Basil proceeded to wrap up my legs and Saffron got her leash underneath her….in the process of trying to get us untangled I blinded myself with the flashlight. Hard to describe on paper without the benefit of my reenactment of this with friends….
It's moments like these, out here alone when I'm feeling frustrated, feeling sorry for myself and missing HIM. Imagining him snuggled in bed with his 22 year old, happy as a clam, seemingly enormously happy actually, based on the Facebook posts, while I'm wandering around in the woods in the dark like a madwoman, the old witch in the woods, the dog who got her face smeared in shit and not understanding why.
I think of all the empty promises he gave that were not kept; all the possibilities that were presented that are now gone.
I don't disparage my husband for leaving. It sucked and it was awful, but I came out on the other side and we have a great friendship and I know I can always count on him to be there when I need. His actions prove that consistently, and I consider myself extremely lucky, considering how things could have gone. I know that he values and cares for me still, traits which I'm learning can be rare.
HE (I will only use HE in reference; names, initials, etc are not acceptable for obvious reasons) was different, this situation is different. I had so much hope, felt good, could see a new future, after feeling bad for so long. I have not had to deal with a situation like this before (luckily), and it's thrown me in ways I couldn't imagine; many people don't understand why you can't move on, can't just be mad and not sad....on and on....I am looking forward to putting it behind me, seeking nothing but indifference to the situation. Hopefully soon he won't be in my every thought, the ghost who haunts me.
